Telling Tales – To Diet ..

By ANGEL KANE,
Wilson Living Magazine
On any given Monday, if you ask me what I’m doing – I’ll tell you – “I’m dieting.”  It’s been that way since I was 16. And there isn’t a diet out there that I haven’t tried.

I’ve been on the Hollywood Diet, a 48 hour diet comprised of only drinking a fruit juice concoction. (I lasted one day) The Cleansing Diet, a three day diet comprised of only drinking water mixed with lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. (I lasted one sip) The Rice Diet, a week long diet comprised of ….you guessed it ….rice. (I lasted two bowls) Followed by all the usual suspects … Atkins, Weight Watchers, The Zone…. (three days, two days, one day).

 
But, the problem I find with all these diets is their core concept of not allowing me to eat from the main food groups….peanut M&M’s, BBQ potato chips and orange Fanta.  And I have a serious problem with that premise

You see, I am not one of those people who just doesn’t eat. Don’t get me wrong – I find these people fascinating. I’ll see them out, notice how much weight they’ve lost and immediately proceed to interrogate them. 

“You look great! Have you been dieting?”

“No …I’m going through a divorce/my dog died/I was just diagnosed with a horrible disease …and just don’t feel like eating anymore.”

Seriously?

Because, I can’t imagine anything that would cause me not to eat. My husband could divorce me, our dog could meet with a tragic demise, and the very next day I could be diagnosed with Leprosy, and I would still stop at Wendy’s to order …

“French fries and a large Frosty please.”

In fact, I often threaten to divorce my husband as a means of losing those last 10 pounds.

“Maybe, we could just divorce until I reach my goal weight?”

To which he always responds, “Ok. Whatever it takes.”

“Very funny, Fatty!!” (Did I mention dieting brings out my dark side?)

I remember watching a recent talk show about food obsessions, and the host looked right at me and said, “What is eating you inside that causes you to eat? It’s not the food – there is a deep seeded void inside of you that you are trying to fill”

Seriously?

Because I’m thinking what causes me to eat is my love of Doritos. I mean, no doubt I suffer from multiple deep seeded voids, but those coupled with the Doritos and the chocolate covered Oreos I ate last night are probably the reason my jeans feel tight today. 

I say all this, to let you know about a fabulous new diet I’m starting – the Dukan Diet. It’s been all the rage in France and is now hitting our shores. So, on Sunday night, I did what I always do, I called Becky.

“Do you want to diet with me this week?”

“Absolutely! What are we doing?”

“It’s called the Dukan Diet – you basically just eat meat for three days.”
  
“Ok, but I just bought a carton of Chocolate Cookie Dough ice cream, we’ll be off by Tuesday, won’t we?”

To read more of Angel and Becky’s columns go to www.wilsonpost.com and hit Columns & Blogs.