Wednesday, September 9, 2009

While watching Man vs. Wild last week I realized two things. One, if I were ever stranded in a jungle with nothing but my wits to survive, I wouldn’t make it. (I don’t even think I’d try. Instead search and rescue would find me curled up in a fetal position sucking my thumb.) And two, Bear Grylls accent can get annoying after about thirty minutes.

I do admire how industrious the star of the show is and freely admit I’m no match for his knowledge about all things survival. But, I wonder how well he’d do in my jungle?

In this jungle, you don’t need to know the proper way to disembowel a wild boar before eating it. You will however need to know how much time it takes to cook 3 slices of bacon -in the microwave- to get it to the crispness needed to be appetizing to your 5 year old before a meltdown ensues.

If you plan on getting the kids to school on time, you will also have to make sure the 10 year old has all homework in folders, those folders are in the backpack and that backpack is in the car BEFORE you pull out of the driveway.

I would much rather remove a leech from my leg, than get half way to work and remember I forgot to turn on the crock-pot that has a twelve dollar roast in it just waiting to go bad. There’s no time to think about being late for your meeting though, because you’ve got to MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!

Survival in my world isn’t being stranded in a desert and resorting to drinking urine to pull through dehydration. Survival is managing to find a half full water bottle under your seat and giving it to your son during baseball practice because you forgot his at home.

Spearing a catfish, cutting its head off and eating it raw? Try looking under the seat of the car and finding a half eaten pack of peanut butter crackers and deciding to go ahead and eat them because you don’t have time to stop. Besides, you left your wallet at home.

When the show ended my oldest said, “He’s awesome! Daddy, what does it feel like to get stung by a scorpion?”

I could tell my husband was already envisioning our child in a survival vest and using a compass deep in the jungle to find clean drinking water. He was proud of his soon to be adventurer. Almost as proud as I’d be if he came home and told me he wanted to do anything that would not involve contact with poisonous insects. “I’d say it’s painful. But with training, you could handle it.”

He looked at his dad with all the confusion his 10 years could muster before asking the real expert. “What do you think mom? Does it hurt to get stung by a scorpion?”

“No more painful than say childbirth honey and until Bear does that in a jungle, I’m not impressed.” Then we changed the channel.

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