Sitting in line waiting to pick up my kids from a birthday party at a bouncy place,  I looked around at all the bumpers and realized I was sitting in the company of greatness, and according to one in particular- terrificness. Because of all the decals and magnets it felt like being in pit lane at the Daytona 500.

From the looks of it, little Maggie (a cheerleader) was a straight A student, loved ballet and had her collegiate sights set on Vanderbilt. Then I watched as little Maggie’s mom buckled her into her car seat- not booster- CAR SEAT. Maggie was adorable and apparently a prodigy. She couldn’t have been more than 2 years old!

Then there was little Stevie. Stevie’s an honor student, plays football- very well- AND does all his own punting. Stevie is also left handed. How do I know this? From a decal on the back of his mom’s SUV that read, “Everyone is born right handed; but only the gifted overcome it!” I think that kid just insulted me. But I can’t be sure… since I’m right handed!

Immediately I could tell Bailey’s mom was cooler than me. On the back of her ultra-hip hybrid vehicle was sticker letting us all know she supports, “Peace, love and breastfeeding,” “Peace, Love and Cloth diapers” and her sweet child was a “Hippie Homeschooler.”

I was in trouble. This is someone I’d like to meet and be friends with but, I had five empty water bottles sliding around the floor board, I don’t wash all my clothes in cold water, only adjust my thermostat at home to make me more comfortable, my children’s old diapers are sitting in a landfill contaminating the environment and I use more than one square of toilet paper.  She would never be my friend. And my youngest would only be too happy to tell her that his mother leaves the water on when brushing her teeth or that I sometimes watch them practice baseball in the comfort of my air conditioned minivan.

From behind I hear a car squealing in to the parking lot. The mom jumps out and runs inside. The back of her car had the name of five kids. One played soccer, one football, one lacrosse and the last two, baseball. All of them were honor students, bi-lingual and have a yellow belt in karate. If that wasn’t enough to make you nauseous, the mom looked like a model, and according to “her” sticker, she likes to compete in Ironman Races.

Later that night, I told my husband about the stickers. My oldest asked why our car didn’t have stickers with their cool stuff on it. I gave what I thought was the perfect answer. “I don’t like to brag honey. It’s just tacky.” I was feeling pretty proud until my youngest said, “What about the 26.2 Mile, 13.1 Mile and Runner Girl stickers? That’s bragging about you, mama.”

“That’s not bragging. It’s showing how cool your mom is.”

When it was obvious they weren’t buying my answer I didn’t have the heart to tell them I didn’t know where the other parents bought the stickers. Which was a lame excuse since anything can be found with a simple internet search. So I decided to take the easy way out.

“Their moms are closet drinkers, honey.”

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