By Angel Kane
Wilson Living Magazine
On my travels this summer, I read a lot. And I mean, a crazy lot. If you own iTunes stock be ready for a huge upswing in value because I downloaded almost a book a day.
Those around me all read fiction. Brody is a big Harlan Coben fan and the girls love trilogies.
Back in the day when I read fiction, I’d turn to the end and read the conclusion first.
I know – right – HORRORS! Oh please, get over your judgy self!!
I’m not about to invest three hours on a book only to find out that the main character dies in a fiery crash or worse yet, he disappears, thereby causing me to have to buy yet another of this author’s books, to THEN find he dies in a fiery car crash!
When we first married, Brody found my reading the end first to be a serious character flaw, claiming I’d hidden a terrible secret trying to trick him into marriage. Then came my wiping the fog off the mirror by hand and squeezing the toothpaste from the middle, and you would’ve thought he’d been deceived into marrying a transvestite!
In an effort to save our marriage, I gave up reading fiction and bought separate tubes of toothpaste but I still wipe the fog off the mirror, because, seriously, “I ain’t got time for that!” If you have time to wait while fog dissipates from your bathroom mirror – then I guarantee your baseboards are filthy!
So, back to my books, since I graciously gave up fiction, I now only read biographies or financial or political books, because the end is a given. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not sitting on the beach reading books about the life of Lincoln, I definitely spice things up with some “D-List” memoirs.
And like all summer reading lists, once read, you are expected to write a report on what you learned, so here goes…
One of my favorites this summer was by Jen Lancaster, who lived her life as directed by my all time idol, Martha Stewart, and then wrote about it. At one point,
she chose to NOT follow Martha’s directions on how to properly de-yolk an egg, before dying it, facing utter disaster. Her AHA moment came when she realized “there is no benefit to blazing your own trail, when the perfect path already exists!”
This morsel was a much needed eye opener! Most things have been done people. I mean you can try to reinvent the wheel but I promise you, round is the way to go on wheels, so if you need to know how to cook something, build something, or clean something – just ask Martha.
“When life hands you lemons, grab yourself the nearest bottle of vodka and make yourself a cocktail.” This little nugget came from Brandi Glanville’s biography. Now there are two types of women, those who watch Real Housewives and those who simply don’t admit to watching Real Housewives, so I’m pretty sure you all know her.
Alcohol is not my thing but I find this gem to be golden! It’s not about the vodka, its about the lemons. Life will hand you all sorts of lemons, but lemons are an opportunity – you can make a cocktail, you can make lemon ice box pie or you can make a good old fashioned lemonade – just never, never, eat a lemon without adding a ton of sugar to it.
“If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, but you think it’s a pig, then it’s a pig.” This came from Katie Couric’s book wherein she asked various prominent people to impart their wisdom. Per Gloria Steinem, go with your gut.
I should do this more, in fact, as I explained to Brody on our last leg of the trip, “When we get home, I’m going to listen to my gut and only do what I feel like doing.” Thereby causing my defogger of dreams to impart his own wisdom, “Well, I hope to God your gut is telling you to get back to work or else you and your gut are going to be walking everywhere, after they come pick up your car.”
No wonder Gloria stayed single for so long!
“When in doubt, order the hamburger,” that one is per my favorite late night comic Jimmy Kimmel.
I find this to be so profound, I might just put it on my tombstone. How many times have I been faced with either the fish or pasta, when I should’ve just ordered the hamburger? You can’t go wrong with plain and simple – ever!
And I saved one of my best books for last. Larry David is the genius behind Seinfeld and is not only hysterically funny but also a truth-sayer.
Larry relays to…
“Always – always – no matter what the circumstances – I don’t care if you won the lottery – curb your enthusiasm. Nobody wants to see you jumping up and down – acting like an idiot. Nobody! Unabashed displays of enthusiasm are as off putting as watching a couple make out in public. Do you think Anne Franke appreciated it when Miep Giez, the woman who hid her, paid a visit, then couldn’t stop yammering about how beautiful it was outside? ‘Oh my God Anne, what a spectacular day! I took a hike, played with my dogs and just got back from swimming!’ To which Anne replied, ‘ with all due respect Frau Giez, I’m glad you had fun. Now do me a favor. Shut the hell up and get out of here.'”
Clearly, have truer words ever been spoken? I mean, I know you went on a trip, but do you have to post it all over Facebook?
Okay, so obviously I should’ve read Larry’s book before posting my 1021 vacation photos, but if it makes you feel better, I gained 10 pounds!
That’s my lemon, now to find the Splenda…