FUNeral Arrangements


May 14, 2017
Angel Kane - Kane & Crowell Family Law Center

I don’t like funerals or visitations or wakes. Who does, right? For this reason, I’ve made a list for my husband for how I’d like things to go leading up to, during and after my memorial service. I hope the need for this is at least a few decades away, but if it’s not, then I hope it’s after I see my boys grow up and settle into adult life AND, after I have the chance to meet Betty White.

  1. Have photos of me at my current age, weight and hair color at the service. When my mom passed away, people kept asking why there were pictures of my sister, Laura, all over the chapel. Dad didn’t bring a single photo of my mom above the age of 23. Please make sure the photo is properly airbrushed. I want it to look like me but the me that’s accented with good lighting.
  2. It’s been my experience that nothing cleanses the soul more than a good belly laugh that follows a tear-filled cry. Don’t worry about what people think. Our boys will thank you for that. Believe it or not, a funeral service can be packed to the rim with wildly funny moments. The last funeral I went to, a visitor decided to Facetime the deceased with a family member that couldn’t be there. Yes, that happened.
  3. Make sure I’m dead. And don’t you dare pull the plug unless you’re positive.
  4. Serve cake. Good cake. Instead of little memorial pamphlets, greet anyone that visits with a slice of delicious cake. I don’t care what kind of cake, just make sure it’s fresh and homemade.
  • Don’t make our kids talk to people. If they don’t want to sit on the front row, don’t make them. Let them grieve in their own way. Just make sure you let them know you will be there.
  • Deactivate my social media accounts.
  • Don’t giveaway any of my handbags before going through them and checking for stray dollar bills. In fact, don’t give anything of mine away! You need something to remember me by. And what better way to remember me than my computer case with typewriter keys embroidered now.
  • I feel like I should address the dating thing even though I’m sure dating is the last thing on your mind after losing the best thing that happened to you! You can date after I’ve been dead for at least six months. If you remarry, please make sure she doesn’t have children of her own and I’d appreciate it if she is barren.
  • I want to be cremated. I also want the urn to sit on the mantle in the living room. I’ve given the undertaker instructions to put a motion sensor on the urn along with a recording of my voice. This may be a little scary at first, but you’ll find comfort in hearing me say, “Does this urn make me look fat” from time to time.
  • This is probably the most important item on this list. I want you to remember how much you are going miss me and why you loved me. This will be VERY IMPORTANT to remember when you open my American Express bill.

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