|I’m sick of it! Every time I turn on the TV, radio, computer or Dr. Oz, there’s something else I use every day that might cause cancer, crow’s feet or cardiac arrest! If I start to feel dizzy from the only perfume I wear, I can’t even dial 911 because my cell phone “might” cause a brain tumor… It makes me want to scream… Literally and out loud and in front of TV news people, NPR, bloggers and that little twit, Oz. Don’t they know they are making an already slightly neurotic mother who suffers from a mild form of hypochondria even more unbearable to be around? |
For the sake of my children and husband, I should at least go outside to scream. But I’m fresh out of sunscreen. Even though it’s January and overcast, experts recommend wearing sunscreen because of cancer risks. Or am I supposed to avoid it now because it’s causing Vitamin D deficiencies? And that’s causing all kinds of problems. Even prostate cancer! So apparently I can’t go outside because I don’t have sunscreen, and even if I did, I can’t use it because it will make me grow a prostate. I should probably wait until summer to go out but what about mosquitos? They carry all kinds of diseases like malaria, and I can’t use repellent because it contains DEET. “Experts” say DEET can cause memory loss, headaches and fatigue. But what if you’ve been using it for years anyway? Wait! What was I just talking about?
Maybe I should use all that pent-up rage to clean instead. A little elbow grease will make everything better. Only the warning signs on my bathroom cleaner reminded me of that special on 20/20 that discussed the dangers of household cleaners. So just to be sure, I Googled “dangerous household cleaners” and found that we are housing a closet full of chemical warfare — all of these products are deadly! I guess I’ll chance it though. The alternative of cleaning with vinegar and water would only make sense if we were a family of pickles. My house just doesn’t feel clean unless the smell of bleach burns when you inhale.
Let’s talk about the news. You can’t turn on the television these days without hearing, “The CDC issues a new warning on something so deadly; it might KILL your entire family. And you’re probably serving it for dinner tonight. That story and highlights from the playoffs tonight at 10.” So I do the only thing that makes sense… we wait to eat until after the 10 o’clock news.
Lately I feel like I can’t take my kids anywhere unless they are in one of those big, round exercise gerbil balls, all because they might come in contact with a flesh eating bacteria at the grocery or swine flu at ball practice. But that’s impractical and stupid. We can’t keep ourselves or our children from ever getting sick. We need a certain amount of germs and bacteria and yes, even preservatives to survive. Look at what happened to the aliens in H.G. Wells’ novel, War of the Worlds!
For now, I’ve banned all shows pertaining to household dangers and decided to sit in my comfy chair and read something that doesn’t showcase an agenda on politics, religion, global warming or breast feeding — that’s right, I’m reading Betty White’s autobiography. I love her!
by Becky Andrews
|As I sat with friends at dinner on New Year’s Eve, the conversation turned to Caroline’s mother’s heated mattress pad. |
“She just loves it. Turns it on about an hour before bed and hasn’t missed a night in years.”
The New Year’s Eve festivities continued, but for me, the idea of a heated mattress, seemed outstanding, unbelievable …. and completely unfathomable that I had never heard of it before!
I liken it to when Bill Gates first saw Steve Job’s iPod!
“A heated mattress pad? I’ve never seen one of those. Where did she get it? Does she leave it on all night? Wow, a heated mattress – seriously – I can only imagine how warm and toasty that is.”
About three minutes into this conversation, all the other party goers had moved on to more festive discussions but I wasn’t ready to let this go.
So, I pulled out my phone and started Googling it.
On Amazon. Dual temperature settings. Automatic cut off. Quilted. 250 Thread Count.
As I scanned the 79 reviews, my husband found me sitting in a corner, glued to my phone.
“What are you looking at? Heated mattress pads? What is wrong with you? It’s New Year’s Eve, put your phone down and come be with everyone!
I looked around the room.
Although I was amongst friends, in my heart of hearts, I really wanted to be in bed (it was 10:15 for goodness sake!), reading a book, laying on a heated mattress pad!!
And yet I had spent most of New Year’s Eve day watching television shows all about it being a “New Year and a New You!” And, I had promised myself, I would do just that in 2012.
I was going to join Becky at the gym. I was going to wear less black. I was going to be much more fun!
Yet, here I was on New Year’s Eve, scanning reviews of heated mattress pads.
And just as I was about to put away my phone and put on my New Year’s Eve tiara, I recalled another show I had watched that morning. A woman had decided to SAY YES to everything that came her way in 2011.
She had done just that and had changed her life.
So, I hit purchase and said YES to a Sunbeam Heated Mattress pad!
2012 is going to be the best year yet!
I will just have to wear more black to compensate for my not joining a gym…
by Angel Kane
Wilson Living Magazine
To read more of Angel & Becky’s columns go to www.wilsonpost.com.